A better person.

I have never really blamed people around me much in my life, but in the recent months, I have. I could easily find negatives in someones behavior, and the positives were difficult to find. I think I had lost myself somewhere, when I started believing that.

I've been an anti social bee since a couple of months, ever since my birthday, I suppose, when almost no one showed up. But it was all in my head. I pushed important people away on my birthday itself, I shouldn't blame anyone for anything. Things were worse after my dog died, I had started blaming everyone close to me, and soon, myself. Quite depressing if this goes on for months.

Half the year is over, and I've finally started meeting up with my close friends, in a balanced manner, not wanting to run away. I've realized how they've been there for me, how I've been there for them, how people do go out of they way to help the ones they care about, and I see this in love, family, friends, everywhere.

I had cocooned myself up in layers of doubts and depression, but now, the shell is slowly peeling off. It is not because of those who are helping me, but because of me, who's finally agreeing to accept help.

If you really listen closely, to what others have to say, you'd realize that there's just more to learn from everything. There are so many perspectives to everything! It's quite beautiful.

I've remembered a few things that I had almost forgotten about. The fact that me, as a person, was always emphathetic, and never judgmental. Empathy is difficult, but I need to hold onto it as a gift, no matter how hard it gets. It's difficult when you're brushed up with so many emotions of others, when you absorb it all in, to understand them better, but I think I can do a better job by meditating and trying to remain unattached.

You know, how people say that we're the best when we are kids, and adulthood spoils us up, and we waste our lives away only to realize our mistakes when we are old? I don't want to go through that path. I'd like to always remember the fact that our life is a gift, and there's just so much more to discover!

I know of many adults who think they know the world. But no one does. Not me as a kid. Not as an adult. Not when I'm old. There's just so much to learn. I'm never forcing my views on anyone. Certain realizations have dawned upon me, and I've finally understood myself better, and I do believe that's the first step to understanding the world.

I've been told that I'm too confused to do me any good. But I know, that I do too, have things I'm confident about. If I need to be confident as an adult, I'll be confident in my belief that no one knows everything (all hail Socrates). That learning is the much needed curve, in life. I'll be confident enough to know, that good and bad, both do exist, it's about time, perspectives, a million life stories that go behind what makes a person; and all of this, is no small thing.

In a chaotic mess, we each pull others down, or push them forward, unbalanced; this happens, and I guess, it is needed for change. Let's not forget who we are, let's not stop dreaming, the best, the better, is always, yet to come, and I believe it now, because I think I am a better person than I was yesterday.

Faux Star signs.

Sorry. But they're fake.

For the stereotypical Sagittarius in me, I would have wanted to cheat, remaining honest, be blatantly rude, think, philosophize, travel; but I do have a little bit of every other sign. I've observed, that things are so, for everyone else. I've never been a strong believer of star signs, but I've never denied the fact that I find them fun. Still, star signs seems false to me today.

The moon can cause such a huge difference in our lives. The tides depend on it. The sea, wind, all depend on it, and so does life on Earth in certain ways. Why not, then, can constellations affect the lives of us humans? Our jobs, choices, behavior? That's what people might want to remind themselves if they'd like to believe in the practice of associating and classifying fellow humans with respect to their star signs.

It's always fun, waking up in the morning, running up to the daily newspaper and looking for the astrology section, reading out loud what possible could be all that the day has in store for us. I've done it many times, for myself, my friends, family. Most of my closest friends belong to either Aries, Cancer, or Sagittarius, with a few Gemini. I've stopped reading them now. I should share what brought about this change. This one day when I was going through the Sagittarius horoscope, I found a very ghastly editing error. There was a, "Dear Capricorn! You've been brave.", placed right before my horoscope started off.

What-A-Joke.

I stopped reading the horoscopes even for fun, after that. What a waste of time.
Since that day, after a lot of thinking, I came to a conclusion that perhaps these star signs only apply in certain ways, if real. Maybe you do need a good astrologer. The planets, their alignment, I mean, there's just no science in certain words. Astrology was never the same as astronomy.

Star signs perhaps are responsible only for a certain traits of different people. I believed this too. Cancer, caring, emotional. Pisces, the one's that always end up with a sappy story. Aries, the life of any party. The Gemini, some two-faced intellectual being, who fails to apply his own advice to others in his own life. All this seems so true. Most agree. But I do believe that a few of the Cancer-friends I have, are as philosophical as me. Gemini, as down to Earth as a Taurus, or as haughty, as a Leo. Anything is possible, really, and all of the possible combinations of star signs and adjectives to describe them must surely exist.

I love to travel, but I do too want a home. I'll be honest, but I'd lie to save your ass. I'm a little emotional too. Hey, and do believe everyone's life is sappy. Be a dark tale, or a happy one, it's sappy never-the-less. I'm compatible with the people who share similar likes, and thoughts, or dissimilar ones, anything. Everyone is unique, for sure, and each on of us has traits that are our own. Star signs seem nothing but a naive source of recreation that we've just trapped ourselves in.

I much rather eat some popcorn and chill. Also, if I do ever happen to come across a person who tells me that they're Sagittarius as they introduce themselves, hoping to get along with me purely based on the lines of 'philosophy' or 'traveling', I'd look at them, straight in the eye, and give a tiny nod. Alright then, fellow naive human, time to burst your bubble!

I wanted to edge closer...

... But too close to the fire, and I'd burn myself.

I saw a fire tonight and I wanted to edge closer. I was denied the meek pleasure. I feel sad. I wanted it.
To lift me up, stretch me, all until my bones cracked and released.

Lethargy has tied me down to something cold. I try to break free, but it takes a lot of effort. The month of February bought with itself, a chillness as cold as a slab of ice against ones palm. Cold, but numbing, so you don't really feel any pain.

Things happened. And they didn't happen out of the blue. I was very much prepared. I knew what ifs, understood the why's, and was prepared. It was easy; going through them.

I had reached a point though, where I couldn't really understand the reasons of what was around me. I question things. And this month, I've questioned things back to back. It was very tiring. I had questions that had no easy answers.

So a few hours back, when I saw the Holika away from a mile, I wished to edge closer to it. I needed the fire. It burned a beautiful bright.

I would've liked to feel the warmness spread across me, all throughout my body.
Till my muscles squeezed up, eyes watered; cleansed. Till the heat would make a sprint, on over my skin, and my skin, with goosebumps then, submitting in pure ecstasy.

I needed it.

I wrote the above as I was dragged away from the fire. Dragged by my own weariness. My weakness. I was ill, well. Had to visit the doctor.

I crossed my fingers as I left the place, hoping for the fire to remain alive until I returned. Thankfully, it did. And I could witness it as it burnt off into gold, black, its charred self.

I've been wanting to do so many things, but I'm failing when it comes to prioritizing. There's something very important missing from the picture. Is it that I seek a voice that would enjoy hearing me out? I need a push. I look into the mirror. And that woman's all that I need.

Hear me out? She's listening.
Just gotta lift myself up.

I heaved a heavy sigh as I left the fire. It was dying, but I felt strong again.
Such little things. They do matter a lot.